Forty by 40

So it’s 2015, and life did not turn out as I had planned back in the 80’s. I turn 40 this year, and it’s time to get my shit on track.

I’ve got lofty goals, big dreams, and a better life to lead. I just have to lay down the burdens that I placed on myself. I’m going to own it.
The weight, it’s there because I use food. Just like I use money. Just like I use stuff.

I use it when I am bored
I use it to escape things I’d rather not do
I use it to sooth sadness
I use it to bolster happiness
I use it in anger
And sometimes for the intended purpose.

Life has had some really awesome times, as well as a lot of sucky ones.
The thing is I need to stop wallowing in the bad stuff.
Shit happens, but most of this was more than 20 years ago.
I am in physical and emotional pain. I’ve worked good and long at the emotional stuff. Hate to say it, but that’s as good as it’s going to get until my waist catches up.

So this year, much like years prior, I am going to try to make differences. I think I got smarter about it this time. I know me better.
Saying I will lose x amount by 40 will set me up for failure.
I still live in my very black and white world. It’s all or nothing.

So instead I am going to make 40 changes in my life by forty.
They may be pounds lost, thousands of debt repaid, boxes and bags of crap set free.

Today I made 3 steps towards that 40×40:
I got off my ass and walked.
I went to get groceries rather than buy take out- and used them!
I got this post out of my head and on to WordPress.

The walking, well I somehow talked 3 friends from very different parts of my life into doing the 2,015 in 2015. I want to pull my weight. It a core dogmatic rule in my world. So sick or not, I got up, got dressed and did some. Not the full 1.5 I wanted to, but I did enough that today the team still went over our quota. I helped. I feel good about me. I hope between this ragtag group we
can keep it up. I really want to run. I know I need to rebuild stamina. One foot then the other. Rinse, Repeat.

Yay Groceries?

What’s the best way to repay your body for working out? Fast food!
Wait, no…real food.
But, but, but why cook when you can get the yummy stuff in a second from the drive through?
I have to remind myself moment by moment: it’s 2 fold.
A) I don’t eat as much junk when forced to cook for myself.
B) in theory it is more economical to cook than fast food.

So I talked my self down from Wendy’s and into Jewel.
It’s a victory.

Blogging.
I need to get the words out of my head. Then the whole commitment thing comes into play and I don’t have the right paper or pen or mood…

Did. Done. Now to do it again.

2013

That was a pricey year…
Joe bought a new house
I refi’d the old
Joe sank his Subaru & bought a Volt
The Mitsubishi Eclipse died on dad, so he gets the cruiser & I got the newest car I’ve ever had: 2012 Ford Flex

We did a lot of construction on the new house: full bath in the basement- where no bath was. Dry walling to repair past flood damage. Plumbing out the yin yang to prevent flooding( like 20k worth). A few new windows- as much as we paid for the Cruiser. Paint, paint and more paint after the floors were refinished. Appliances washer, dryer, 2 refrigerators and a hot water tank and a boiler. ( every time we bought for the new house, the old would go kaput. The fridges were 3 days apart, and the boiler/ water heater 1 day).

Life is funny that way.

I got to buy drapes & rods, cause I am weird. A retro microwave. We bought a great living room set. Dad’s new bed is being delivered on the 3rd…and I almost forgot the recliners! Jason & Joey think they are awesome, even if they do cost as much as 2 iPads each.

I found a better fit for a Chiro & got Joe to go. I did a baseline stress test, and yet another mamm. I did neuro testing with the shrink to find out I am wicked smart, but have NO short term memory.
Invested heavily in Sam’s health: $1,300 in the last week on 2013.

I did school. Switched through 3 jobs.

But the cool thing, to me, I paid down 7k of credit card debt. One day that will be history, I’ll get back to an 18, I’m aiming for 24 for now. Decatur will be turned around…and I won’t be hand to mouth for ever.
The next 6 months will be intense:
Packing up Decatur
Doing 2 classes
Impressing the bank so they want to keep me
Working on small health changes
Getting Sam healthy.

No small list, but I’m not so small myself.

So my brain is a bit broken

I was gonna say “lately”, but that’s a bold faced lie. And we’re not here for that are we?

There are things I KNOW I have to do, should do…and my damn brain plays keep away with my attention. The worst part us it adds stress, self doubt, and really screws with my timelines at work.

I hope I work through this…right now it’s uber stressful- like the hubby asking me to quit my job stressful – and to be truthful I’m not sure what the split is for the ratio of blame between me and a very disorganized company. Both parties are totally at fault. Grr.

Here’s hoping to some focus. And that I stop peeling my scalp off. (#1 stress reliever after spending money)

I should also add: this is week 9 of the goriest period of my life. I can’t wait to not have to wear black bottoms. Hrumph

Pain is a funny thing

So post wedding my picking has been OUT of control. Like the worst in a long time. Doctors of all sorts have yelled at me. Joe has yelled at me. You know what got me to lay off of it? My back going out. Apparently pain is pain. And if my back is doing level 10 stabby stabby pains, my urge to pick is nil. My Back is now down to level 5 – so more the occasional twang, than the if I breath wrong my back might snap. The urges have mostly died back.

It’ll be curious to see if it ramps up as the back progresses.

On the flip side I had 2 big moments of clarity last week: I never want to be on portable oxygen on a day to day basis. (So now I need to get my heart healthy, thanks Florence.) I want to be a good role model for Amelia. That means not scarring my self, being fiscally responsible, and getting healthy so that by the time she came run around so can I.

Pain is in deed a funny thing.

50 Shades of F*cked *p

So lately there has been a LOT of stress. Even the shrink is spinning. My latest thing is to not eat. Yup, intentional meal skipping.

I still do my coffee in the morning at 190 calories.

If I get hungry I snack on nuts.  Sometimes I feel like lunch, sometimes I don’t.

The novel concept being – if I am not hungry, I don’t force it. 

I’m not drinking as much as I should.  That I need to work on. But most nights I am drinking more, and eating slightly more sensibly.

I’ve been reading the 50 shades trilogy. And I can talk so many different angles of the book. The one that makes sense here is that I found it fascinating how much the female character doesn’t eat. How obsessed Grey is with eating.  I’ve always behaved like Grey about food. You need to finish. You need to eat often. You should eat as quality as you can.

I’ve always been like this. From being a little kid even. The sad thing is – I’ve never wanted for food. My brain is just wired that way. For a long time I guess I never really thought about why – why am I in such fear about my next meal.

For a kid from a stable family in the suburbs, who never had to worry about where her next meal came from – I sure do act like someone who had to do without.  Maybe one day we’ll figure out why my brain is so goofy.

In the mean time – I’m going to keep trying to make the stress work for me, not do anything that would damage my body, and keep chipping away.

Last Tuesday featured a huge loss: 8.5#’s in a week. (it was a hell of a week) 271.5

The goal for this week was to back slide but not past 275…weigh in is tomorrow night.

So I’ve been trudging along

But I have been doing quite well in spite of myself.

 
LilySlim Weight loss tickers
 

Part of me is pissy about it ONLY being 1 pound a week.  But really dude, I’m not tracking, I’m at least hitting 1 exercise day per week, and I am watching what I eat.  I know that when I did do 3 work outs it equaled 2.5 pounds down.

I haven’t either budgeted time to allow for it, I give in and say that I should take a night off to relax, or I drown myself in work. So the extra 1.5 is up to me. And I am choosing to not beat myself up over it. Dude if I can keep 1 pound a week going, next year this time: I’d be 233lbs.  I would kill for that.

So here goes…tick tick tick

Homework from the Shrink

The Mindful Eating Exercise

The purpose of this exercise is to learn to be mindful while eating. It is a method to enable us to get back in touch with our bodies in a way that all of us were in touch with them when we were very young. I tell people that if they do this exercise 5 times (in a period of a few weeks) in a mindful way, it will begin to change their relationship to food. It will get harder and harder to overeat and/or not listen to the body while eating.

This is an exercise that I was taught in 1983 from Stephen Levine at a weekend Death and Dying Workshop and it made a huge impact both on my relationship with food and later on my teaching. I have used it especially while working with groups of “compulsive overeaters”, but it useful for everyone.

Are you hungry?

No, maybe a little, but it’s 10 am and my coffee is almost gone.

How do you know?

I only have a little of that uneasy feeling I associate with hunger.

How does your body tell you if it is hungry?

Growling tummy? Tired? Headache!

Are you thirsty rather than hungry?

Probably.

Are you physically tired and so a nap would be more appropriate than eating?

If I could get away with napping at work it’d be awesome.  But no, not tired. granted now I am yawning.

* Pick up the food you have chosen – look at it as if you’d never seen it before. You might ask where this grew on the planet. Stay present in the moment.

Starbucks Oatmeal. The lids warped, it’s a good sign they may have added enough water. They did. I have brown sugar, nuts, and berries to add.

 

Dot…mind wandered to thinking about a co-worker

* Now smell it. Close your eyes and smell it.
Sweet, warm, Now I am salivating.
* Now as you bring the food to your mouth, inhibit your habitual response to bite, chew and swallow. As you begin to chew, move it around in your mouth. See if you can notice different flavours when it’s in different parts of your mouth. Close your eyes to cut down on other stimuli in the room.
Taste receptors on my front left & back right tongue notice the most flavor.
* As you bite down notice any sound it makes. Chew it very slowly.

* Swallow and notice if you can feel your stomach receiving the food? Notice if you want to rush and eat the next bite before you have even finished with this one. Inhibit this habitual response.

Bits have gotten stuck around my mouth, in my throat, coughing.

* Is there an aftertaste in your mouth. Do you like it? Do you dislike it?

Not too surprising: oaty, it’s fine.

* How would you rate the food on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being your most favourite).

Now for the next 5 minutes or so, mouthful by mouthful, smelling each bite before putting it into your mouth continue to eat the food. In silence. Keep checking your level of hunger and keep in touch with what your mouth has to say about the food.

This is borrowed from here

dot dot

nutty flavors

the cup is plain

striking berry flavor

dot I want to play face book

porriage-y

more berry or fruit flavor

oats clinging to teeth

realized I forgot to smell

sweet/plain more that oats, less that brown sugar

dot thought about the blogess

pleasant

dot Peri talking in the back ground

 

last few bites done without writing about them.  Took 8 mins to eat.

probably the longest it’s taken in a while.